Reuben has come home most days with little takes to tell me; so and so did this, so and so did that… And on it goes. From what I can gather (and remember) this is a pretty huge part of childhood – trying to get your comrades into shit street was always so fun, unless it worked and then you quickly revert to besties. Then I came home last week as came out with a term I really didn’t like: So and so pushed me, and that’s bullying!
Hold up. Bullying? Erm no.
I said to him, does he do it all the time and always try to make you feel sad or hurt your feelings? “Well no…” Came the reply. Then, sorry to say, it ain’t bullying my friend. Take it from me.
I’m assuming that he heard the term from older kids or maybe a teacher saying “Don’t do that, that kind of thing is what bullies do, it’s not kind”, but I really was taken aback by it. It’s quite. Serious accusation and one that I really feel we’re becoming a bit to free with.
As someone who was bullied for her weight for the majority of school, then later being the child that used to be a private school but moved to public school, I really can say that bullying is something I think should be taken so very seriously. It’s something that can really impact a person for the rest of their lives – trust me, not a day how by that I don’t decide I’m morbidly obese and I’m a UK 10/12. I just can’t get the day thing out of my head. So I’m not diminishing that seriousness of bullying, but rather questioning when does playground bickering and tussling become bullying.
To me, bullying a frequent and consistent behaviour that seeks to harm or hurt another individual. It isn’t a push. It isn’t a mean “your not coming to my five party now” – Reuben’s favourite insult at the moment (although despite repeated offences he keeps letting me off and I’m back on the invitation list… Dammit!). Bullying is so much more than those things. Could they develop in to bullying? Probably, but I am willing to wager that in 99.9% of cases, they don’t. Kids will be kids won’t they? And while the adults are busy trying to sort out what has gone on and the alleged bullying offences, they have scarpered off to play together like some kind of childlike Jekyll and Hyde characters. Another thing that concerns me with the frequency that I hear the term “bullying” being lobbed about is that surely if every incident could be classed as bullying it detracts from the children who are in fact being bullied, or the bully themselves. I’m talking about children who don’t want to set foot on the school premises because they are going to be picked at all day, every day by one or a group of kids. THAT is bullying.
Do you talk to your kids about bullying? I’ll be honest I never have. I have said to them, don’t do that its unkind – if you do that all the time you will be a bully. So maybe the wires have been crossed somewhere and Roo thinks that the singular act in itself is bullying… It’s something I want to rectify.
We’re very lucky with Reuben’s school (or so I have found so far in my experience) there doesn’t seem to be any bullying going on. There are the old playground tussles and, of course, there are children that clash with Reuben. It’s natural! The same as there are people that I don’t get on with and don’t get on with me. We can’t all like each other can we?
So, what are your thoughts? Had a problem with bullying? Do we over use the term nowadays?
H X
As lamb is so young it’s not something I’ve thought about yet, but as s and me one who was bullied at school I agree the term can be overused in the wrong situations x
I hope you never really have to Alex, I was bullied too and it was awful xx
I completely agree with you! For starters, you’re beautiful so naff off with the fat thing (in the politest possible way 😉 ) but I so know what you mean. I was bullied mercilessly my entire school life and even now at nearly 30 my confidence is so easily shaken assume a result. I never feel good enough, pretty enough, clever enough, interesting enough. I worry that friends put up with me instead of actually liking me and stuff like that. A shove in the playground as a one off is definitely not bullying and I think you’re awesome for teaching him the difference xx
Ohh Hannah!! You silly billy you are so wonderful – you’re incredibly talented and I think you are brilliant! It’s something that really sticks with us isn’t it? Its always there, so much so that you feel yourself worrying about passing on insecurities to the kids. I really want to make sure Roo understands the difference between bullying and playground silliness. H x
I was bullied and I agree, it is a long-term thing not just a ‘one -off’ incident – especially when kids are so young, they’re still learning to express themselves and find their way in the world.
It’s a harsh word ‘bully’ isn’t it? I don’t think anybody should be branded a ‘bully’ unless they’re deliberately trying to hurt somebody x
I couldn’t agree more Lucy, so important we are careful with how we refer to kids – that label follows you. H x
Its such a hard one to teach, bullying is so hard when it is happening to your children.
It really is, I’m desperately hoping I never have to go through it with any of them – and equally that I never find out they are behaving like bullies! H x
You’re right the term gets bandied about too much now by kids and adults! It can be a fine line though so I think it’s down to how someone’s behaviours towards you makes you feel. That’s what I teach Zak anyway. It’s important to say if someone is hurting your feelings repeatedly even if that is not the intent
I agree there Fiona, best to try and teach them to be more aware of it 🙂 H x
Young children can get so upset if they feel hurt. My eldest is in full time school, she is 6 now and she can get so upset over the smallest things that her friends do to her, but the only thing is, I know she does it to them! It’s what kids do. I am lucky that now bullying has come and I hope to god it doesn’t. I was bullied through out secondary school and I know what it felt like, it was horrible. x
I was bullied at primary Beth and it was horrific – not so much at secondary, a bit here and there but I know what its like too! H x
Great thoughts on the difficult subject of bullying… I must say I do talk to my teenagers regularly about bullying and it’s effects both for the bully & the victim.
Thanks Jane xx
I never know the answer to this. Sorry.
Its a tough one isn’t it Jodie?! Having been bullied, I want to be sure it’s taken so seriously, but its such a fine line between bullying and being kids who are just learning what is and isn’t socially acceptable.