Let’s talk about sex, ladies.

I wanted to have a witter about sex again, especially with regards to women and sex. I know, I know, but fucking hell, the very reason the majority of you are reading this blog is that you bumped uglies with someone, did the deed and yet STILL I’m reading questions from other parent bloggers, almost always women, online about whether or not sex should be discussed on a parent blog, whether we can talk about “the dance with no pants” because, well, it’s perhaps just not quite appropriate. I’m still seeing women talking to each other in a hush hush way and we’re STILL so feckin’ worried about talking to our kids about sex, like it’s something that we should be ashamed of. Especially our daughters and specifically their role in sex and enjoying sex as a woman.

What is it about sex that sends us all into a hot fluster like we’ve just watched a Chris Pratt boinking scene on the telly? Especially when it comes to our enjoyment of it?

My mother in law made a really interesting comment the other day, and I have to say I think she was bang on. I was talking about Edith and how she, ahem, found her genitals and is (like all kids – and like they *should* be) totally unabashed in having a voyage into self examination – to the point where, at two years old she is far worse than the boys and I’m having to tell her that it is a private part and she really ought to leave it be lest she makes it sore. She’s a bit young to say “go somewhere private if you want to do that please” however I firmly believe that in order to raise children without hang ups about their bodies, their sense of self exploration and self pleasure – as cringe as that is, it’s something that children, tweens and teens will do and we have to get over it and not shame them for it unless we want to create issues further along the road – we have to take that attitude of not saying “Argh don’t do that” and kindly remind them that it is a place they should touch, and only them, when they are alone. Anyway, I’m deterring and I’m sure you are toe curlingly uncomfortable, I don’t blame you (or care really, it’s fact and every being is interested in their body). My point is that I was saying to my mother in law that Edith is, ahem, intrigued by her hoochacha as she calls it and not shy (which she is too innocent to be) and my mother in law made the comment that it’s a good thing and so many girls have that shamed out of them by constantly being told “that’s dirty”, “don’t do that its wrong” and so on.

It’s true isn’t it?

We have a thing about women and sex, women who enjoy sex or even their own sexual pleasure especially. Here’s a few things: 1. Sex is healthy, 2. A woman’s enjoyment of sex is no less important than a man’s, a man doesn’t need a shag any more frequently than a woman, that isn’t a fact, it’s a statement made to stop women from indulging in their own sexual pleasure because if (generationally) you’re told you don’t need it, you will begin to think maybe you don’t and finally 3. We need to start letting our children (older, let’s not break this one out over the dinosaurs to our 3 year olds eh?), not just our daughters but our sons as well, know that sex is a good thing when you’re ready and that a woman’s pleasure is equal and nothing to be ashamed of.

How many times have you been into somewhere like Ann Summers and come out only to bump into someone and be totally flustered? Yet a man wouldn’t feel that way. How many times have you discussed sex with your girlfriend’s compared to your own self pleasure, or just your pleasure in general. Why is it “We did this last night and it was AMAZING, he rocked my world” instead of “OMG this sex toy is amazing, it hits all the right spots and I swear I had the best orgasm ever!”

I think our own pleasure is something that we shouldn’t be ashamed of, something that we should be open about – especially when it comes to sex. It shouldn’t be the norm that we discuss male orgasms and how it’s considered the norm for a man to always climax but a woman can be left waiting or disappointed – you see it in movies, you read it online, you see it in books. It’s a running joke. It shouldn’t be – it also shouldn’t be that we are so focused on men getting their rocks off and we’re still struggling to get our socks off without being called a slut.

I like sex. I love sex in fact, it’s kinda how I ended up up the duff and then with three sprogs at 24. I love discovering things about myself and my sexuality with my husband and I am absolutely, unequivocally unashamed to admit that. I hate seeing women’s mags with headlines like “How to make him keep coming back”, “How to wow him in the bedroom” and my personal favourite “How to make your man your slave with sex.” Just no, sex is something that should be equal, should be enjoyable for both parties and something that should be a way to discover your own body as well as your partners.

I’ve also noticed this growing trend in “how to rekindle the sex life after a baby” and “how to get back in the sack” like there is an assumption that sex suddenly disappears once you become parents. Whilst I will grant you that the first sexual encounter was the second scariest thing post baby (second only to the first post baby poo – a horror that I can’t explain to women who haven’t had children yet without making very wild animal noises and squeezing my bum cheeks like I’m doing really bad kegels) it wasn’t something that I felt pressured to do or something that I suddenly felt different about now I was a mother. I’m still a wife and I’m still a woman. Sure, I’m more knackered and now instead of banging at any given moment we have to pick the times more carefully, but still. I can enjoy sex, and I can enjoy pleasure as and when I choose too – again, without shame and hang ups.

So why is it that we are so shy about women’s sexuality and acknowledging that we like sex or enjoy certain things? Why are we always the Ana and never the Christian in the scenario… and can we change that please?

H x

12 Comments

  1. Avatar
    John
    August 21, 2018 / 5:55 pm

    I think you have a lot if good points but there are a few misconceptions as far as I’m concerned. First, you are primarily exposed to materials aimed at women. Men’s magazines and lifestyle websites do frequent features on “How to rock her world in bed”. Especially depending on your culture, there is this shame/fear that a woman will cheat if you can’t please her. I have lived in several countries and I am yet to encounter a group of men that will discuss masturbating techniques! And men are perhaps even more awkward and flustered around lingerie shops than girls are! Having been a lifeguard in a public pool, we do have to stop very young boys happily going around to show their magic trick of making themselves hard in the pool jets… and to this day I regret shouting at one of them “stop it it’s dirty” when he came to me out if sheer surprise. Look at male blogs, for the tons of posts about terrified new dads who are scared of hurting their wives. I really believe things have improved greatly since the late 50s, there’s a lot to improve on still and your post is a good reminder that as parents we must ensure we don’t go backwards. But men can be shy and awkward and complex too, not just driven by a primal need for sex, and certainly bear a lot of cultural guilt around all the topics you raised. Thanks for reading and we enjoy your blog a lot!

  2. Avatar
    Anonymous
    August 21, 2018 / 5:43 pm

    I think

  3. Avatar May 7, 2018 / 8:30 am

    This was a refreshing read, I agree with everything you said. I personally find it hard to talk about sex as growing up I grew up in a Muslim/Turkish family which doesn’t really allow the subject to be discussed. I learnt everything from girl mags and what friends were telling me & actually doing it! I felt like I was growing up in the dark ages. I don’t want this for my children. My daughter is coming up to that age where I know she will start asking question and I want to be able to give her advice & not shy away and be left in the dark like I was. My 2 year old son has just discovered his area and walks around with his hands in his pants haha! That is another challenge for me altogether! Thanks for this post! xo

  4. Avatar January 7, 2018 / 9:08 pm

    I love this, you are so spot on with your opinions and I adore the way you write! x

  5. Avatar December 28, 2017 / 2:05 am

    Really important topic and I so agree. If I’m perfectly honest, I think I’m a bit of a closet prude – I stuff that part of me away as best I can because I don’t want to be, but a little bit peeks out and makes me blush and stops me writing the posts I want to write. It’s borne of years of being told (indirectly through media etc etc) that sex is dirty and to be ashamed of. I know perfectly well that it’s not but it’s so hard to shake those mental shackles. That’s why it’s so important we teach our children openly and honestly to ignore the bullcrap and hope to god they listen.

    Someone loved this post so much, they added it to the #BlogCrush linky! Feel free to collect your “I’ve been featured” blog badge 🙂

  6. Avatar December 22, 2017 / 11:53 am

    I’ve also been debating about blogging on this as it’s such a fine line between being open and honest and being indiscreet – I feel it’s a sacred piece of my relationship with my husband that I don’t share with other people. However, being frank and talking openly is the best way to help others who are struggling in this arena and to normalise sex. One thing for sure is we live in a society of double standards on the topic. #BlogCrush linky

  7. Avatar December 18, 2017 / 7:51 pm

    Love love love this, I definitely want my daughter to grow up without thinking anything about her body is shameful. Sex is no different, I hate how much shame and judgement is placed on women and sex.

    • Harriet December 18, 2017 / 10:37 pm

      Thank you Nelly!!

  8. Avatar
    Kelly-Anne Lynn
    December 18, 2017 / 8:05 am

    Oh yes, yes, yes, yes YES!!! Preach it!! So true it’s (almost) 2018 and women are definitely still discriminated against in the “sex” world. I am single, I love my wand and I din’t Care who knows it!! ?

    • Harriet December 18, 2017 / 3:03 pm

      Thanks Kelly-Anne!

  9. Avatar December 18, 2017 / 7:52 am

    I love it when you talk about stuff like this, it really is important to stop the shame associated with sex! 🙂

    • Harriet December 18, 2017 / 3:04 pm

      Thank you lovely – I couldn’t agree more!

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