Dearest Husband, I’m all touched out.

dearest husband

Dearest Husband,

I love you, more than I have ever loved another man… but if you grope my boobs one more time tonight, I’m going to give you that vasectomy you’ve supposedly been planning for the last 18months.

Here’s the thing, I’ve never really believed in the phrase “all touched out”, I mean, I’m a pretty tactile person – perhaps one of the reasons we’ve got three kids aged 5 and under. It’s something that I never felt with Reuben or Tobias. I suppose there was a degree of it with Tobias, but the simplest brush of your hand across my chest was not enough to make me want to punch you in the throat and bite your hand like a rabid dog.

This is how I feel now Edith is here.

I find that at the end of the day, when you “cop a feel” and I just want to slob out on the sofa in that oh-so-sexy way you like, usually wearing my sexy pjs (think less Victoria’s Secret and more Primark from 2002 and you’re on the mark) with dinner that I may or may not have spilled on my front, I just don’t want to respond the same as I used to. The feminist in me dies a slow death every time I consider chucking you a bone and getting it on Stevie Wonder style when I genuinely don’t want to, just to be left, untouched, for a few hours before bed. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting I haven’t loved having sex with you, far from it I adore sex with you and you still make my heart skip a beat when you smile at me in that way. Yet when I’m tired and I’m “touched out” just the very thought of more touching makes me feel the same way that you feel about Leeds Utd.

Back to that phrase again…

Imagine you’ve just finished putting dinner in the slow cooker, answered 18 emails, written two blog posts and attempted an instagram photo shoot that didn’t work, loaded the washing machine for the second time and put the laundry on the radiators and in the tumble dryer, all the while with a baby sat on your hips or lap , smacking your chest and shouting “pwwwwweeease” in your face, or just crying. In. Your. Face. She doesn’t need a boob feed, she’s had an bowl of cereal, a yoghurt (that you’re now wearing), half her sippy cup (the other half leaked out of the “non spill” lid onto the sofa) and a couple of pieces of chocolate to shut her up while you tried to do the bits you needed to do. Sofia the first failed to keep her interest and you are now her goal. Despite all this, boobie is her desire, and boobie is what she will get. Sometimes I get the chance to unhook my bra while little fingers are rammed in there, seeking and nipping, other times I have the delight of being a bystander while she grabs a fist full of boob, pulls it up by the skin and latches onto the top of the nipple in some rather painful, bizarre self service.

Do you know what it’s like to feel like a self service buffet? No, you don’t. References to lolly pops and your penis are not welcome at this point. No.

This boob invasion is pretty much every time I sit down. Every. Damn. Time. Sometimes while I stand.

All of this is made better by the fact that she has learnt to shout the phrase “Mine, boobie” a phrase I believe you taught her when you were playing and asking “Is that my boobie?” and tickling her. I feel like I should point out that it is actually MY boobie, contrary to popular belief.

I spend the day fending off her advances to the self service boobffet and then you come home and get all up in my space like a horny teen.

I love you, I love to have sex with you but right now, I’m all touched out.

Your wife. Xx

P.s – Actually call for your vasectomy, no waiting list is that long.

89 Comments

  1. February 15, 2017 / 2:54 pm

    I ❤️ this! Well said!
    I honestly still feel like this now and the boobfet has been shut for 3 years.

    • Harriet February 15, 2017 / 9:39 pm

      Ahh thanks so much lovely xx

  2. February 6, 2017 / 10:25 pm

    Ha, this made me crack up. Its a long time since I was last boobfette but I remember how it felt so can totally sympathise.
    #bigpinklink
    Tracey Abrahams recently posted…A Wassailing We Will GoMy Profile

  3. February 2, 2017 / 4:57 pm

    OMG we should go bowling! There are days when I just want to throw him out the window if he gropes me ANYWHERE, one more freaking time. I am so glad I”m not the only one, my husnad acts like i’m an evil ice queen sucking the life out of him when i get annoyed about constant sexual attention…ugh!

  4. February 2, 2017 / 1:30 pm

    I totally get this! I often feel like this, men just don’t have the same post-baby attitude as us! I hate it sometimes when my husband goes in for a boob grope, it’s incomfortable when you’re breastfeeding sometimes! I would chase that waiting list, they definitely aren’t that long! #bigpinklink

  5. February 1, 2017 / 5:45 pm

    ahahaahahahahah oh my god this is amazing!!!!! yes!!!! Ive been wanting to write about this topic as post baby my drive has gone from sky high to australia in a matter of weeks! (apart from that initial burst of “my huge bump has gone i feel super sexy with my huge milk engorged bussoms”)
    you have put this down so well and yes our boobs are our own. Ben has discovered my nipples and likes to hold them whilst sitting in bed on a weekend… I have no clue how he’s discovered them as he was only three months when we put him onto bottle! #bigpinklink

  6. February 1, 2017 / 3:22 pm

    Ha ha, brilliant. This should be handed out to all fathers while at the hospital so they know what to expect up front!
    #Bigpinklink

  7. February 1, 2017 / 3:12 pm

    Yep, I can relate to this sometimes. Well put too 🙂 #bigpinklink

  8. February 1, 2017 / 11:20 am

    This made me smile and also reaffirmed for me why I never went in for the whole breastfeeding thing as my boobs were and still are a sexual part of my anatomy and not something I wanted to share with my hungry kids, it just ruined it for me sadly. Good luck. #BigPinkLink

  9. January 31, 2017 / 9:03 pm

    I totally relate to this!! I was all touched out for a long time (although not quite long enough given I had three babies in two years!!), and even now I have days where I am touched out. I think so many mums can relate to this and we just have to hope that our husbands can understand it, maybe I will email this blog link over just in case!
    #bigpinklink

  10. January 31, 2017 / 5:52 pm

    So very honest and well written 🙂 #bigpinklink

  11. January 31, 2017 / 2:55 pm

    This has cheered me up😂😂😂

    Glad it’s not just me. At the end of a full on day with three kids I cannot be arsed whatsoever. He still has a try though bless him. #bigpinklink

  12. January 31, 2017 / 2:04 pm

    I’m 12 weeks on to being a first time mum and I totally get this! I love ‘boobffet’, all very funny! #bigpinklink

  13. January 31, 2017 / 11:49 am

    LOVE THIS POST!!!!!! You’ve spoken to me with this! #bigpinklink

  14. January 31, 2017 / 11:09 am

    Good grief you sound completely exhausted! Far from a vasectomy I’d be changing the locks with him on the outside!! I could barely manage one child under 5 with any demands at all. All the very best and please look after yourself xjo #bigpinklink

  15. January 31, 2017 / 10:35 am

    I’ve read this many times before! Haha. I think they should give men a copy of this after we’ve had a the baby.

    #bigpinklink

  16. January 31, 2017 / 12:17 am

    Totally relate to this… and have a second on the way in early march. So ‘touched out’ I can’t even tolerate brushing hands with people lately.lol. Personal space is hard to come by as a pregnant parent! #bigpinklink

  17. January 30, 2017 / 10:37 pm

    Such a great post! I can relate to feeling touched out even without the breastfeeding factoring in! Love your personable writing style x #bigpinklink

  18. January 30, 2017 / 10:31 pm

    So funny!!!

  19. January 30, 2017 / 10:17 pm

    OMG I LOVE this and I’ve been bottle feeding my baby, so I don’t even have that excuse! I’m just touched out generally by my two little ones who need me, day and night. When my husband then comes up and grabs my arse at the precise moment I bend over to load the laundry, I’m hardly going to turn around and jump him am I? Men – at least they still find us sexy in our frazzled mum state. #BigPinkLink

  20. January 30, 2017 / 9:02 pm

    What a wonderfully honest post. #bigpinklink Lifeinthemumslane

  21. January 30, 2017 / 8:41 pm

    I’m sure that every mum knows EXACTLY what you mean and will be grateful for your honesty. Alison x #BigPinkLink

  22. January 30, 2017 / 7:35 pm

    This is a great way to come at this subject. I can relate to just wanting my body left alone. I weaned my daughter onto cow’s milk when she turned one as I planned to go back to work and am too lazy to pump. But some days she is so clingy I just want space. #bigpinklink

  23. January 30, 2017 / 5:25 pm

    This is hilarious and exactly how I feel some days—and I only have 1 child! #bigpinklink

  24. January 30, 2017 / 3:52 pm

    Yes, this is me at the end of most days! Hubby just doesn’t understand 🙄
    I like his attention and the fact he still finds me attractive, (goodness knows how), but do I feel feel like having my butt smacked when I bend over to load the washing machine for the 100th time that day or reach around my front for a boob grab while I’m trying to grab a quick snack for myself from the fridge as I’m rushing to the baby’s crying? No, no I don’t!
    I think I’ll have to show him this when he gets home from work 😉
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  25. January 30, 2017 / 3:03 pm

    God you took the words right out of my mouth!

    #bigpinklink

  26. January 30, 2017 / 1:50 pm

    I remember the phase well, I too have lots of kids all close together. Trust me you will like it again in time so don’t put him off too much!

  27. January 30, 2017 / 1:44 pm

    What a truthful, honest post. And so witty too. Loved it. By the time I fall into bed I literally do that – fall into bed through utter exhaustion and all I crave is the sweet respite of sleep 😉 x #bigpinklink

  28. January 30, 2017 / 1:34 pm

    Right on the mark!! I’m sure Mr C just thinks I’m a heartless b*tch! Your honesty is refreshing! #bigpinklink

  29. January 30, 2017 / 1:20 pm

    Holy shit – Gal I feel you. Going to accidentally leave this page open for my husband to read when he jumps on the computer next!

  30. January 30, 2017 / 1:16 pm

    What is it with blokes?! My other half is the same, copping a feel whenever he gets within close reach of me! You hit the nail on the head. I love him very much but yes I’m all touched out.
    #BigPinkLink
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  31. January 30, 2017 / 10:36 am

    Lollypops and penis made me chock on my coffee 😉 hilarious! I think you have more than enough reason to be touched out! And no, no vasectomy waiting list is that long!
    #BigPinkLink
    Kirsty – Winnettes recently posted…Baking with Children Guest Post SeriesMy Profile

  32. January 30, 2017 / 10:29 am

    Aww I think so many women go through this and it isn’t that we don’t love or want but just need some time with our own bodies not being touched all the bloody time. Such a wonderful honest gorgeous post – LOVE! Wonderful to have you hosting the #BigPinkLink too xx

  33. January 30, 2017 / 10:22 am

    I love this post so much, the boobffet was my favorite!!! #bigpinklink

  34. January 30, 2017 / 10:18 am

    Ha! Yes. I’m a total loner at heart, so just having someone around me all day is enough to drive me mad – my poor hubs when he gets home usually gets a toddler thrown at him while I go and hide in the bathroom for 15 minutes. I don’t think he quite understands that I’ve had said toddler climbing on me and begging me for attention since 6am, and that I don’t really want the same from him the second he walks through the door. All he wants is a hug, but I’m all hugged out! #bigpinklink

  35. January 30, 2017 / 10:16 am

    Aw man, this is insanely funny and true! It’s how you tell it! Find me a woman who doesn’t identify! #bigpinklink

  36. January 17, 2017 / 4:21 pm

    Just sending this to my husband, labelled “What she said”
    Emma recently posted…Mummy-baitingMy Profile

    • Harriet January 17, 2017 / 7:17 pm

      Bahaha – hope he got the message!

  37. January 14, 2017 / 5:44 pm

    God I LOVE this, going to show my hubby, I have become that person…but I’m more like a Jack Russell that snarls if someone just happens to look sideways at them. I had an episode of snarling last night when my husband wanted to watch me undress for bed…well, I say bed, it was more like 6:30 and I wanted to get into my scruffy PJ’s to slob on the sofa with a glass of white. He insisted on teasing me with the ‘boom-chica-wow-wow’ song and my gums pulled back to bare my teeth at their most fierce…then my 12 yr old daughter came into the room, swatted hubby round the head with a back-hand and said ‘Leave Mum alone you pervert’….one of my proudest mummy moments to date…this girl will go far 😀
    Rebecca Smith recently posted…Breakfast just got better with GlutafinMy Profile

    • Harriet January 16, 2017 / 3:00 pm

      Haha thank you lovely! I LOVE your daughter, friggin’ epic!

  38. January 12, 2017 / 11:11 pm

    Love the honesty here, fantastic piece. I’m amazed you manage to string a sentence together, with all that going on, never mind such an amazingly inciteful post!

  39. January 12, 2017 / 2:56 pm

    This is fantastic and 100% gave me the laugh I needed today. ‘Self service boobffet’ is my personal favourite part of this..actually just all of it. I can’t even relate to this, I’m 19, but I know that in a few years down the line I’ll come back to this post and cry-laugh even more to the fact that it became a reality, haha!x

    • Harriet January 12, 2017 / 3:01 pm

      Haha thanks lovely! x

  40. January 5, 2017 / 10:41 pm

    I’m sat here feeding my baby (after threatening to quit just beforehand! He’s 5 months old and ready for weaning) and this made me giggle so much! So glad I’m not the only one who feels like they have another human being attached to them at all times!

    • Harriet January 6, 2017 / 11:21 am

      Bahaha thanks Cathy!

  41. December 7, 2016 / 11:47 am

    Well put. My wife and I have swapped roles at the moment (She’s at work and I have 3 months SPL) and I feel I can empathise a bit. Maybe not with the “touched out” issue but how it feels at the end of the day after the numerous rounds of laundry and cooking and baby chasing.
    Its not that I don’t WANT sex, just that I’m actually pretty damn tired.
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  42. November 24, 2016 / 12:56 pm

    Haha this is fun to read. And by the way I am glad I am not the only one after all the hard work during the day. Hubbies don’t seem to understand.

  43. November 21, 2016 / 12:31 am

    This is wonderful, so so funny and I really do feel for you although I wasn’t able to go on for anywhere near as long as you have!
    ‘self service boobfett’ – you absolute star! Love your writing style!
    X X

  44. November 20, 2016 / 11:47 am

    Haha loved this post Harriet, so true from time to time. I’m just constantly knackered and feel so gross, sometimes the last thing I need is a bit of sexy time. 😂😂😂 this made me laugh. Xx

  45. November 20, 2016 / 10:44 am

    I’ve never come across this phrase before but it is genius and I did cackle at the book that vasectomy x

  46. November 18, 2016 / 6:07 pm

    I love your posts, you are so real and relate-able. I haven’t had kids and I can only imagine how tough it must be sharing your boobs between husband and hungry babies, but I hope you get some me time and very soon
    Tanya recently posted…Nars Blush HaulMy Profile

  47. November 17, 2016 / 11:27 am

    After a day of a toddler climbing over you, pulling at you, the last thing you want is a grope. I feel your pain as I go through periods of this. Currently going through it now. I just want to sleep. I am working until midnight then yp at 7. Please, let me sleep for the love of all things sleepy.

  48. November 16, 2016 / 11:51 pm

    I love you, I love that you’ve written this. You’ve made me feel less alone and more normal.
    Thank you. It’s not like I don’t want it, just sometimes after having children clambering on me all day, and breastfeeding sometimes for hours..I just don’t want to be touched at all for the rest of the night.
    Sarah recently posted…How Do You Sleep?My Profile

  49. November 16, 2016 / 8:10 pm

    Mmmm I think you and Mrs OMG could have a long chat on this one… 😂😂😂😂
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  50. November 16, 2016 / 7:35 pm

    Oh my, this made me giggle! Being touched out is totally a thing, and sometimes the gruntier halves just don’t get it.. Love the way you write! <3

  51. November 16, 2016 / 6:24 pm

    I will be showing this to my bf who is pretty much groping me all the time I tried explaining that how he feels on a Saturday morning at 6am when the kids wake him is how I feel at 6pm on week nights. Great post

  52. November 16, 2016 / 5:27 pm

    Amen to this! My Husband is constantly trying to cop a feel of my ‘fun bags’ as he lovingly refers to them! He thinks it’s funny, I just find it pretty irritating! Jo x
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  53. November 15, 2016 / 11:31 pm

    Haha, I love this!! Groping of the boobs is the last thing I need at the end of the day, and while sex is still great, the boob fondling needs to be taken down a peg! 🙂

  54. November 15, 2016 / 11:25 pm

    So a wonderful honest post that I think men should read. I don’t think they understand sometimes at all.
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  55. November 15, 2016 / 10:23 pm

    Genius! I was the opposite but my ex didn’t want to come near me – said I was too fat (charming hey). Sex after kids is oh so different isn’t. Hope you are making time for yourself lovely lady. Mama time is more important and then the S.E.X can follow – if you fancy it that is. Xx

    • Harriet November 15, 2016 / 11:06 pm

      Well what a bastard! You are soooo not. I am really not making that time, but I am trying to get better 🙂

  56. November 15, 2016 / 7:45 pm

    Haha I totally feel you on this! We’ve been nursing for a consecutive 5.75 years now with 2 different kids. Some days I just want to shout (or do shout), “will everyone just please stop touching me!” Hugs mama.

  57. November 15, 2016 / 6:32 pm

    Oh god yes I’ve been there. Just not wanting to be touched by anyone.
    (and if your husband needs to read about vasectomy from a male perspective, send him my way – my husband wrote a great blog post) xx
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  58. November 15, 2016 / 4:44 pm

    This so on the mark! When the baby is in bed you just need some time to be in your own. Even if it is in your own head sat on the sofa!

  59. November 15, 2016 / 12:07 pm

    Harriet! I can relate to this so much I could have written it myself, in fact it’s the post I’ve always wanted to write but too afraid to do it. I cried reading it, I’m glad it’s not just me x

  60. November 15, 2016 / 11:53 am

    I love this! I’m not breastfeeding so I’m sure it’s a million times more frustrating for you, but I still totally get the ‘all touched out’ feeling. I have my two year old hanging off me all the time and sometimes just want to scream ‘GIVE ME SOME SPACE!’. But I don’t. Obvs.

  61. November 15, 2016 / 11:37 am

    Ahhhh loved this post Harriet! I love your style of writing and you had be chuckling from start to finish! Sometimes it’s nice just to have your own space isn’t it?! xxx

  62. November 15, 2016 / 11:29 am

    This really made me giggle, thank you for making my morning… and for giving me something to make my hubby read if I feel like this when baby is here!

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