Miscarriage: The cruelest thing is hope.

My pregnancy test at the beginning of this pregnancy.

My pregnancy test at the beginning of this pregnancy.

I try to keep sad or negative things off this blog, I want this to be a place for people to come and find the things that will bring them pleasure, be it a new toy for their child, or a beautiful dress for themselves. Sadly, life isn’t alway filled with happiness or beauty, sometimes it’s sad. Really sad.

I wanted to share this for all of the women who have had an early pregnancy miscarriage, I know there are thousands of you out there, I’ve smiled sympathetically at you in the past, I’ve offered you words of solace. I’ve also never really known what you are going through. I’ve been the girl who has had two perfectly healthy, happy pregnancies with two perfect little boys as end results. I’ll admit I’ve never been cavalier enough to tell a pregnant woman that their miscarriage was irrelevant because they weren’t really carrying a baby, but the beginnings of one, but I’ve had friends who’ve expressed that opinion to me and I’ve never really thought much to it.

Last week I announced to everyone that I was pregnant, 6 weeks pregnant to be exact. I was so happy and filled with excitement to be taking this wonderful journey again, I kept checking all of the pregnancy books in stores, falling more in love with the little being that was growing inside me each day, even if it did look like a tadpole or science experiment. I’ve shared pictures of what size my baby is, my little lentil and then my little blueberry, and at the beginning of this week, two days ago, I began to feel the little flutters that you usually feel around 17 weeks in your first pregnancy, although with third (or more) pregnancies you can feel right from 6/7 weeks when babies heart starts to beat.

A few days ago came the bleeding. Only light at first, I thought it was the normal pink discharge that you get when baby is ‘bedding’ in – that’s what the midwife told me anyway, ‘ Don’t worry, don’t panic. It’s all normal, baby is settling in and you are fine. If you have any period style bleeding, go straight to A & E.’ Of course when the afternoon came, I realised I was bleeding heavier and rushed through to A & E, where I was given a scan appointment at the EPADs (Early Pregnancy Assesment Day) clinic the following morning. I went to bed with cramps and heavier bleeding, all the while telling myself if I ignored the symptoms then they weren’t really there. Every time I told my husband I was pretty sure I was having a miscarriage he would stop me and say, ‘ You aren’t a doctor, let’s wait and see’. I think that not knowing makes it worse – I’ve often been told that hope is the most dangerous emotion in the emotional spectrum, because without hope we can grieve and move on but with that little bit of hope we have something to cling to and it puts us in an emotional limbo. As of right now, I’m not a big fan of hope – it can keep it’s false promises and it’s misleading attitude.

So the following morning came the blood clots and passing of what I believe to be the little life that had been growing inside me, snuffed out. Again, let’s wait, let’s hope.

The doctors at the EPADs clinic were ever so kind, talking me through everything that was happening and all that they were going to do to find out what was going on with my pregnancy, my little blueberry. The scan was inconclusive, there was no foetus in the pregnancy sack and I know I could feel something that isn’t there now. The urine sample was positive. The blood test was positive. Everything pointing to an early pregnancy miscarriage in the process but without any hard evidence, we remain inconclusive. There’s that hope again.

I know in my heart I’ve had a miscarriage. I feel empty and alone. I’m so sad, there really is no other word for it, I’m just so sad. I had just started to wrap my head around the pregnancy and I was so excited. There have been no signs of trouble, no illness, no pain and then everything went wrong. I feel like my body is betraying me, like it is an enemy that I am stuck with but can’t fight off. A silent, secret enemy that I have placed all my trust in and is now callously ignoring my pleas to just help me out and hold on and protect my little blueberry that I have fallen so in love with already. My head hurts and my heart feels tight and achy.

I know that it is better to miscarry now than further along, I also know (on a logical level) that this is probably natures way of telling me there was something wrong with this little blueberry and that it is all for the best. I don’t care. I don’t care. All I can think is why me? This kind of thing shouldn’t happen to me, I’ve had two perfectly healthy pregnancies and I’ve never miscarried. Realistically though, why not me? I’m no different to those other thousands of women I’ve offered my words of solace to or smiled at sympathetically.

So ladies, smile on back, I’m right there with you this time.

25 Comments

  1. September 1, 2017 / 8:41 pm

    I am so sorry. Nothing anybody says will ever take the pain away. Only time will dull it. You are spot on with hope being the worst thing though. Despite me seeing the little blob I still had hope until it was confirmed to me by medical staff. Hope really is the toughest thing to overcome.

  2. August 14, 2016 / 9:54 pm

    All I can say is I know how you feel. It hurts like nothing I’ve ever experienced before and would not wish it upon my worst enemy. Life sucks sometimes

  3. March 11, 2016 / 10:57 pm

    I can’t believe that I am only just reading this now. I am so sorry that you had to experience this. Miscarriage is tragic. I have had four miscarriages and three of those have been since trying for our second baby. I am now 21 weeks pregnant with our second rainbow baby.But I totally agree with you that hope is a terrible thing in this situation. I have dared hope that this pregnancy would be okay until very recently. Because if you hope then set yourself up for a greater emotional fall. This is a beautiful but tragic post. Hugs Lucy xxxx

    • Harriet March 13, 2016 / 1:38 pm

      Thanks Lucy. I firmly believe it’s something that we need to talk about more openly to make it less of a lonely experience. I know its always going to be lonely in reality but it shouldn’t be so taboo. Thank you so much for your kind words H xx

  4. Tammy
    May 22, 2014 / 10:30 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss . It’s is the worse emotional roller coaster ever having a miscarriage being unsure what is happening tonnes of blood tests etc . Having experienced 5 miscarriages myself it can be very draining however i have learnt that it happens for a reason the baby must not of been well and it’s your bodies natural instinct . But every one is different at first I wanted to just smack every person that told me
    Oh it happens to 1 in 3 yes it does but it doesn’t remake it any more easier , your little bubble of exciting and joy has been popped . Which is why I m commenting on this blog I think it is nice to hear what everyone feels or goes through during this time to make you realise what you are feeling is normal
    And everyone deals with it in a certain way. Stay strong and I’m sure all will
    Work out , I am currently. 17 weeks pregnant and everything so far so good πŸ™‚ x

  5. May 6, 2014 / 10:14 pm

    I read your post and felt so sad for you Harriet. I am so sorry x

  6. April 25, 2014 / 3:36 pm

    Hi Harriet, seeing you the other day jogged me into contacting you, I couldn’t read this on my mobile and knew there must be something wrong but wasn’t sure, and with one thing and another I haven’t got round to sitting down on my laptop and remembering to do it.
    I’m so sorry for your loss, I’m crying with you, in the most sincerest meaning, yes you can rationalise it, but to build the expectation, is like what you are saying, that is what needs the mourning. It’s happened to a member of my family and a friend, much further down the line, and it’s terrible for the people around you too, not knowing what to say, worrying about the health of the mum too and feeling you might be being shut out because you have a health baby and it must be hard for them to see. Lots and lots of hugs and get loads of fun with your boys and time out too. I will give you a free treatment, anything you like, if you want it, to help you relax or have fun, manicure, tan, massage… or just a friendly face and a cup of tea πŸ™‚
    Loads and loads of love,
    Naomi and Joss

  7. April 21, 2014 / 2:17 pm

    I’ve been there too and I’m so sorry, Harriet. πŸ™

  8. Kate
    April 20, 2014 / 5:10 pm

    Such a beautifully honest blog post. I, like Karen, and so many others, had babies 1 & 3 ‘flutterby’, but 2 & 4 are here safe and sound. Accept the hugs and smiles, whether knowing or not, and find peace where you can. After mc #1 a friends parents sent a beautiful letter sharing their experience over 30 years ago. M told me that now she would always be grateful as her family would not be what it is today had her first pregnancy continued and as much as she thinks often of the little bean she lost, she has 3 boys (now men) who she can’timagine life without. I hung on to that and when I look at my 2 now, I wouldn’t have it any other way…
    Be kind to yourself. With love, a few tears for you (and me if I’m honest!) and a knowing smile πŸ˜‰
    xxxx

  9. Mandy
    April 20, 2014 / 12:02 pm

    So Sorry Harriet, nothing can be said to help. My thoughts are will you. The pain will get less but you will never forget your beautiful little blueberry. I will never forget my beautiful little baby. Take care, wish I could give you a big hug. Xx

  10. Ruth
    April 19, 2014 / 5:09 pm

    Thanks for sharing your story, as so often people don’t talk about this kind of loss. I remember the feelings you’ve expressed so clearly even though it was four years ago and I’ve been lucky enough to have two beautiful baby boys since then. I think it’s an experience that will start with me forever Reminding me that not every story ends with a happily ever after and how fragile our dreams are. But it has got easier for me to bear on a daily basis and I hope this sharpest of pains also dulls somewhat for you with time.

  11. Emma
    April 19, 2014 / 4:06 pm

    Really sorry to hear this. My first pregnancy ended at 7 weeks but I did not find out till my first scan by which point you are already starting to get excited and most likely told close family. Miscarriage is tough at any point and as others have said it is hard to understand the emotional pain someone goes through unless you have been there yourself. I have a very lively and healthy 3yr old and no2 due in 7 weeks so am very lucky but it has affected both pregnancies as you find yourself not wanting to get too carried away by way of protecting yourself from further heartache. The thing that really helped me was the belief that for some reason the time was not right for that one and it was natures way of protecting both me and what for whatever reason should not be. The pain does subside over time but you never forget, be grateful for the two lovely kids you have been blessed with and take strength from the knowledge that by sharing your experience you are most likely helping many who do not have the strength, or are not ready to share their experience in public.

  12. Heidi
    April 19, 2014 / 3:01 pm

    I know this sadness. In total I have had 6 early mc. After two I had a perfectly normal healthy pregnancy and gave birth to my son. I then went on to have 4 more consecutively and am now 15 weeks pregnant. Every day has been a trial in its own way. I’m now breathing a little easier. I find myself not wanting to share my news ‘just In case’. I can promise the pain eases but a loss is always a loss. I read somewhere you lose your innocence with a mc, and I see that’s true. Time is the best healer but just make sure you take as long as you need xxx

    • Harriet April 19, 2014 / 3:21 pm

      I think you are quite right Heidi, it is such a terrible feeling, and I could never truly understand it until I had it myself. I just never thought it would happen to me, ironic and ever so silly, but it never even entered my mind! x

  13. Emma
    April 19, 2014 / 2:40 pm

    So glad I stumbled across this. I too, yesterday experienced a miscarriage, I should have been 13 weeks but scan showed my bean unfortunately didn’t make it passed 7 weeks and one day, quite a delay in the losing of the little thing and hardly any signs before that there was anything wrong.
    I’m sad, but have a wonderful healthy little boy already, an amazing husband and loving family and friends, so am grateful and strong minded that we can all get passed this, as a believer of everything happens for a reason, we will be fine and life goes on.
    My thoughts are with everyone who goes through the loss of anyone. X

    • Harriet April 19, 2014 / 3:22 pm

      Oh Emma, I’m so sorry for your loss. It is a terrible thing to have to deal with, although I am blessed like you to have wonderful support and care. x

  14. Me too
    April 19, 2014 / 2:35 pm

    Thank you. Thank you for sharing. Exactly what happened to me. I’m sorry for your loss. Mine were twins and the MC was fast and painful.

    • Harriet April 19, 2014 / 3:24 pm

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I have a sadness in my heart, fortunately I haven’t experienced much pain physically. I hope you recover well x

  15. gemma
    April 19, 2014 / 2:35 pm

    Really sorry to hear that. I had a misscarage at 8 weeks a year ago. I already have one gorgeous 4 year old and that pregnancy was much wanted after over nearly two years of trying. I had no problems in my first pregnancy. I just think as you say its nature’s way of taking away something that just wasn’t meant to be. Were still trying but nothing as yet but im confident it will. The physical part I found horrendous. And all that I seemed to see was pregnant bellys and baby’s! .I kept telling myself I am lucky that I already have one healthy little one. But it dosent make it easier
    You can only understand what someone else is going through when you experience it yourself. Very sad. X

  16. Jackie
    April 19, 2014 / 2:23 pm

    I can’t think of anything to say that won’t sound trite or inappropriate but just know that there are thousands of us out there with a hug in our hearts for you and your family.

  17. Alex
    April 19, 2014 / 1:47 pm

    I’m so sorry, I’ve been where you are. All I can say is with certainty is that you will feel better in the weeks and months to come, be gentle on yourself and hold your boys a bit tighter tonight Xx

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