Today has been that day. That day Edith wouldn’t stop crying, and I had a mountain of work to do. The day when phone calls went badly, there was so much housework to do I can’t even list it and no help anywhere. As if I needed it today, it was Sports Day at school and I had my work day cut by 3 1/2 hours. Since arriving home it’s been more crying from Edie, not listening from Roo and a sleepy Toby who I know won’t settle tonight, which I need him to do so I can recover those 3 1/2 hours.
All in all, today hasn’t been that bad in the grand scheme of things, but I am exhausted and today has been THAT day. The day I blew up and broke down in front of the kids. The day I made my boys cry through shouting, literally just after Toby decided to be wonderful and use the potty so well, even pulling his own pants down. Today I screamed at my five month old because I couldn’t make her stop screaming and my hands were just too full.
Today I couldn’t cope. I couldn’t cope with being a busy mummy of three under 5 while trying to run a household and build a business. I couldn’t cope with not being able to cope.
As I’m writing this I’m calming down and feeding a now calpolled-up Edith. I’m hoping the boys won’t remember my tear streaked face and wide eyed expression in years to come, all because they just wouldn’t eat their tea. Sometimes it’s silly what we lose our shit over, I mean, give me a major crisis and I will handle it without letting the cracks show, but on days like today, the cracks don’t just show, they take centre stage. Everybody has THAT day, but I feel so ashamed. Why couldn’t I cope? Why did I let everything get to me and get on top of me? I should have worked harder in the morning, typed faster, kept calmer, given Edith calpol as soon as I noticed her teeth getting bad instead of lingering, I should have done this, I should have done that…
And then the tears come again and I realise I’m my own worst enemy. I am a pressure cooker mama. I put so much pressure on myself on days like today and I over analyse everything. It’s ridiculous!
Does everyone do this or is it just me? We all have days where we just can’t cope, even when the day hasn’t really been that catastrophic right? I’m calmer now, and as Edith is going to sleep I can feel myself beginning to de-stress a bit, hopefully I will be able to get the boys to bed and then do some work, but you know what? If I don’t, no one is going to die. I’m going to send my husband for a take out and I’m going to have a shower… Alone.