My darling Reuben,
I’ve been trying to write this open letter to you for months now, but I never seem to be able to articulate my feelings very well, which is novel for me. You see kiddo, you’re always baffling me and making me learn new things about myself. The other reason I’ve struggled so much to write anything to you is that every time I blink, you change like a chameleon and I honestly can’t keep up with you!
You are by far the most sensitive of all my children, your precious heart is so full of love for everything and everyone that it is immeasurably easy to bruise. Quite often I feel like I’m the cause of those bruises on your heart; when you want my attention and I can’t give it, when you need my affection and I greet you with a scowl. I don’t think I’m all bad at this mothering thing Roo, God I try so hard, but baby, you are like my little guinea pig – and I don’t think I do enough to make your life as happy and fulfilling as can be, but then you are such a blessing that I don’t think anyone could do enough or be good enough to be blessed with you. You never fail to surprise me with how clever you are either. Some of the things you come out with, well, it’s like talking to a small grown up! You are so intelligent, absorbing everything around you like a little sponge. It’s a privilege to watch you learn, especially with numbers, you are already so wonderful with your numbers. You are so strong willed too, which I hope will serve you later in life but that I can help you to control so it doesn’t become your curse. Sometimes you’ll have to bend, you know.
I think about the mistakes and triumphs that Daddy and I have made and had with you. Preschool; where we didn’t stand up for you, where we allowed you to be singled out and put down because we were foolish enough to think that ‘experts’ knew more about our baby than we did and we didn’t believe you. I’m so sorry for that my darling, more sorry than you will ever know. I promise I’ll never ignore my instincts again, I’d like to promise that I won’t let you down like that again, but I can’t promise it sweetheart, I can just say I’m going to try my best not to. I’m doing this parent thing by trial and error, remember?!
This week you joined reception, and I watched you run off into school a little bit more grown up than before, but still my baby, still sensitive. I know you wanted to play with those bigger boys, but they ran off without you and it hurt your feelings. I wish I knew how to guide you so you never get your feelings hurt but the truth is, from time to time, you’re going to get hurt and there is nothing I can do about that. As much as it hurts my heart, I know I have to let you bruise yours. You’ll meet other children that you instantly click with, and some that you don’t. You’ll struggle to wrap your head around certain subjects and find others so easy you’ll be bored in seconds. You’ll have good days and bad days because you’re human and not in that protective bubble that is being a toddler or a baby. You’re a boy, a school aged boy. At the same time I type that, I’m struck by what a little boy you still are though, and I hope you’re teachers and new friends remember that.
The most important thing to me is this: I want you to know that I love you. I love you with a light that burns so fiercely it could never possibly go out. I am so lucky to have you in my life and my heart.
All the love a mummy could give xxx