The last two weeks have been up and down for me, filled with stress and not enough sleep to cope with it all. I feel like things are settling down a little bit now – the pessimist in me frets that it’s the calm before another storm, but I do prefer my optimistic side that senses a bit of a break from trouble now. Over the last few weeks I’ve felt a little bit isolated… Well actually, that’s a lie, I’ve felt very isolated, to the point of feeling lonely and from what I can gather that is an all too common feeling for a stay at home mum, or a work at home mum.
I’ve always been someone with a few close friends, I have an abundance of lovely acquaintances and people who I would feel comfortable chatting to, but true friends who I feel I could talk to about anything are a rarer breed to me. Maybe it’s because I’m quite a closed off person, I’m not sure, but that’s the way it is. Most of my very close friends either don’t have children, work full time or are in the position where they are doing both. This really isn’t an issue when you are also working, have children back and forth to school and you have a busy schedule yourself, but what about when you are on maternity leave?
For me, things aren’t any less busy. I’m still working, but it’s from home so I have no companionship from co-workers, my friends are often at work when I’m available and I kind of feel that I am being left behind. On the odd occasion that friend’s are available, I’m not able to join in because I can’t leave one very clingy, breastfed baby behind and it isn’t kosher to take her into a nightclub yet – those glowing dummies aren’t for her apparently (who knew!). Friends know this fat as well, eventually you stop being invited because they don’t want to rub it in your face that you CAN’T come and then they stop inviting you because it’s been so long since you spoke you have drifted.
It’s not a nice feeling to feel like you are being forgotten, especially when you really feel you need your friends to be by your side through tough times. It’s not a nice feeling, but it’s an all too common one for new mamas. It’s also an issue for mamas with more than one child, as making new friends is impossibly difficult as your time gets spread thinner and thinner. Joining the mum and baby group becomes impractical because you have more than one child to look after, and who wants to terrify all the new first time mamas with sweet little babies with their over tired, hyperactive toddler who makes ISIS look like friendly people?
I think with friendship, even true long lasting friendship, out of sight out of mind is more applicable than absence makes the heart grow fonder.
H x
Sorry you feel like this – I can relate too though – it’s not just mums who can feel like this, us dads can too. I’m a stay-at-home dad so can sometimes feel alone as the toddler is the only person I see.
Very true, thank you for this. Maybe a better term is stay at home parent to include us all. It’s tough, though I can imagine it would be even harder for a man because you’re forgotten by society a lot and they don’t really offer many daddy groups do they?
Thanks for commenting 🙂
This post has really spoke to me, this is me…. I’ve have two beautiful children who I adore but since I had my first I became very isolated, many of my small group of friends don’t have children and work full time, Friday and Saturday nights are social nights maybe dinner, maybe drinks I could never go so stopped getting invited, I became the coffee and a chat for a hour on a Saturday friend, which is nice but when you are by yourself with kids the rest of the time it so lonely. When I’d express my feeling to the few mum friends I have they would agree and say yea me too, then proceed to tell me when they were at lunch with their other friend and the drinks they are going to tomorrow or the house party for someone’s birthday they have next week, this would make me feel even lonelier (I feel like screaming can I come) but don’t want to seem like the loser who tags along!!! My confidence along with my figure has been ruined by having my children, let’s hope it gets better, My kids are worth it tho, even when they do my head in!!!!xxx
Thank you Lil, it’s hard to deal with the isolation of it all isn’t it? I’ve found that I’ve stopped being invited – it’s not done to hurt, if anything it starts off as, ‘oh, she won’t be able to let’s not rub it in’ and then slowly you get left behind. Thanks for commenting H x
Gosh, reading this is like having my own life put down in words. Thank you for sharing, it is so true. I’m on maternity leave with my second and I felt at my most isolated when I returned to work after my first mat leave. It’s a strange world finding your feet as a Mum. I think I also discouraged friends from inviting me out because I am a clingy parent. I want to go out and reclaim my pre-baby life, but I feel horrid for taking more time away from my boys on top of what my job already demands. I want to be a present force in the life of my little family. So much so that I risk completely loosing my identity in the process. With the second baby we did not join the NCT again. With all my ‘baby’ friends at work, it leaves me with the often daunting task of infiltrating the playgroup mum cliques. Which after a tough night I just can’t be bothered with. It’s a balance I’ve not yet learnt to master. Although I find comfort reading your blog that I am not alone in my loneliness. X
Thanks Nadia, I’m so pleased I made you feel a bit more comforted. I know for a fact you aren’t alone, and you aren’t alone with the daunting task of playgroup cliques either!! H x