“Mummy, can you come and play with me?”
“No Toby, I’m cooking dinner, why don’t you go and play with your toys?”
At the moment I feel like I’m saying no a lot – I’m mega busy, I’m over run in fact, so I am trying to encourage the children to play together or without me as much as possible… but that has shed light on something I never realised before.
My middle child doesn’t know how to play on his own.
Within 5 minutes of asking Toby to take himself off and play with his toys, the elephant stomps of Reuben are vibrating through the hallway followed by “Mmmuuuummmmm!! He’s trying to ruin my game. I just want some peace and quiet”. Argh. I think for any mother of more than one child, sibling bickering can be one of the most frustrating parts of parenthood – I mean, c’mon guys. Can’t we all just get along?
So my usual response is “Toby, Reuben was playing nicely! Is there any room for Toby in your game Roo?” Naturally, you can’t imagine this is met with a stoic NO. Why would there be any room? Sigh. “Toby can you leave Reuben alone please, find something else to do… Reuben, remember what we said about being kind?”
Que foot stomping, from both boys, and a lot of muttering from the older one.. back to dinner, for approximately 2.4mins before I hear the shriek of doom from Edith. What has inspired this noise that sets your teeth on edge? Toby. He wanted to join in with her game, which really meant he took her ball or he picked up her baby. Rinse and repeat the scenario with Reuben with these two. It inevitably culminates in Reuben allowing Toby to join in his game for one (reluctantly, always reluctantly) or Toby stropping on the sofa with an iPad.
It’s not only Toby that causes the sibling drama by any means, but it is a pattern I’ve noticed over time – self sufficient play really isn’t his thing. Another stark reminder of this is at parties or soft play where he will chase his brother around or cling to me. From what I can gather this doesn’t happen at school, despite being in the same classroom, Toby has his own friends and the two boys rarely share even a glance across the playground, let alone wind each other up with playing politics.
I’ve often mentioned that I worry about the effect that Edith and Reuben’s relationship will have on Toby. The two are so close, and I feel like Toby has always had “play” as his version of closeness with Reuben. Yet the games are changing, the play is less and less group work for Reuben and more “me time”, more strategic planning of the demise of that bad guy in Power Rangers whose name I’ve purposefully not learnt yet.
Not really knowing how to help Toby makes things a little tougher – I am reluctant to tell Reuben off, reluctant to insist he lets his sibling join in, but then how do you explain to a 4 year old that they need to play by themselves, and not just when using tech, but with the kitchen or the Pokémon? I really think this is an “under discussed” part of parenting a middle child – I don’t think that Toby is left out, rather I think that there are aspects of his personality that are determined by him never having been alone.
Does your middle child play alone?
H 🙂
I know this feeling, my little girl will not play alone at all, I do only have the one child but sometimes you just want to get stuff done! It doesn’t matter if you give her loads of attention all morning and do lots of things together, in the afternoon that means nothing she still wants you to play, unless she is allowed time on the iPad, then she will “play” alone! xx
YES! Tech play is fine but to actually play properly – nope!
I don’t have kids and was an only child, so always wanted siblings. It is hard to explain to a kid, but maybe give Toby something specific to do and get him to learn to play alone. I think it’s important to enjoy time alone as well. Hard as he’s always had another sibling around unlike your eldest x
I haven’t got more than one child to know, but my boy is a total cling on! He loves to play with mummy and doesn’t engage much with other children!! X
I have had this problem with my little girl, she is 3 going on 4 and won’t play with other children, she is more interested in adult attention!
This is my daughter to a T. She’s not the middle child, she’s the eldest but by god she does not like playing on her own one bit. The total opposite to my son who, although he’s only one, can quite happily sit and play on his own for ages! I’m hoping that the older he gets the more the age gap between them will close and they can play together more…then I wont have to be a constant entertainer for her haha. It’s so tiring isn’t it x
Slightly different for me,I have 3 but my youngest will not entertain the idea of playing on her own.My middle one is the one begging to play in peace and quiet and will entertain himself for hours but she just hangs off my leg wanting me to play with her.I’ve tried all sorts including bringing toys down to the kitchen & asking her to play on her own while I cook but she won’t have any of it!!No advice but I feel your pain!
I only have 2 atm and Oliver is only 9months so obviously not there yet. I do wonder though if it’s a second child thing because they’re used to being entertained? I remember my sister was always far less happy to entertain herself than I was x