Co-parenting :: Some days we could kill each other.

I think with all parents there is an element of control freakery, it’s in built. Ultimately parenting boils down to you being responsible for another life. It’s your job to keep that human alive, come hell or high water, you are exclusively responsible for raising them to a point where they can look after themselves and even then you have to pick up the pieces on a relatively frequent basis (thanks mum).

So here you are, raising your kids as you see fit and this other person starts to have a say. “Mummy, can I have a sweetie”, erm no, eat your lunch first…next thing I know, he has a sweetie in his hand… “Daddy said I could!”

Cue murderous thoughts and a slightly neurotic eye twitch that can only be brought about by someone challenging your authority in your own castle. I am the don-wan here, buddy, and Daddy is now on my shit list. The same shit list he landed on yesterday for buying Reuben a pack of match attax when I said he couldn’t have them, or when he gave Edith ANOTHER piece of chocolate just to shut her up.

These are the simple, tiny every day things that we disagree over, I mean, we’re different people with (very) different upbringings and personalities, so when it comes to raising kids, it’s no wonder that sometimes co-parenting with my spouse is HARD. Harder than I really thought it would be.

When it comes to the big stuff, Adam and I are united front. We’re both non-religious but happy for the boys to believe whatever they want, we both have slightly different political views, we agree on the big stuff like Trump is an orange Hitler, but differ on the more minor things – we both believe in equality and the fundamentals such as raising our children to be kind, considerate and caring of others no matter colour or creed. We’re both big believers in loving our children equally and when it comes to things like how to treat them, we agree… it’s the little things.

I never really thought about co-parenting as something that you did when you weren’t separated. I know that probably sounds silly because we do it everyday, but I always thought of a couple as a two sides of one coin, only really struggling if they had huge differences or didn’t get on like my own parents. I guess what you don’t really realise until you are parents is how different those sides to that coin are – and it’s the little things that act as a magnifying glass to your own personalities and your own ways of parenting.

Take these moments for example:

I was quite happy for Edith to have her ears pierced once she was asking for them and as long as she was willing to allow me to care for them every day. Edith had been asking for over a year, and I was really content for her to have it done – however, Adam was NOT happy with the idea, it caused such friction because he felt that it wasn’t right for her to have her ears pierced so young. Eventually Adam relented but he still wasn’t very happy – it was a compromise on his behalf and something that we find happens often.  Neither one of us is particularly right, we just have different views on things, but finding the middle ground can be so tough sometimes.

Little things tend to get us more than big too, giving the kids chocolate when I’ve said no more, letting them skip tidying up the playroom when Daddy said they have to. I think it’s a case of learning to live with each other’s different styles and trying to make sure you don’t get hung up on the little things and discuss the big.

Do you find yourself coming to blows with your partner over parenting?

H x

29 Comments

  1. May 16, 2017 / 12:59 pm

    Much more frequent than I would have ever thought! Again it’s the little things, thankfully we are on the same page for the big things and he generally lets me take the lead 🙂

  2. April 16, 2017 / 10:29 am

    This post rings so true to us… it’s hard when there is two of you. Especially when there’s two kids too, it can be hard finding a happy medium and sometimes we butt heads…. it’s nice to know we’re not alone in this as sometimes I do wonder if we are.

  3. March 8, 2017 / 11:09 pm

    Ha ha, it is the little things. Always the little things. Then again, if anything is going to lead to disagreement, it;s the little things. Bigger issues you expect to have to discuss and debate.

  4. February 16, 2017 / 1:58 pm

    yes parenting is different as naturally both the parents will have different style of parenting. Me and my husband are totally different when I am strict , he is is calm and vice versa. But both of us agree to be united in front of our children and thats the key. Whatever differences we have they are restricted to closed room discussions. In front of our children we are united though we may not agree….As children are great observers and they can take advantage of any conflicts in future.

  5. Sarah
    November 15, 2016 / 10:05 pm

    What is pre-reception?

    • Harriet November 15, 2016 / 11:08 pm

      So some schools offer it, others don’t.
      It is basically “pre” the reception term, but instead of just being a preschool or nursery, they go straight into “reception”. It’s not obligatory, but he can start full time (without fee) the term after his fourth birthday, so instead of waiting until September to go to big school, he will start in January.

  6. November 10, 2016 / 6:41 pm

    lol great post, my husband is great but to often he can go for the easy route as in give in to sweet requests and it drives me nuts.

  7. November 9, 2016 / 4:43 pm

    Sometimes I think life would just be easier if I just parented by myself as I would be the sole boss, then I think I don’t know how I would cope without having someone else there to have my back on the big things. The little things though, I could honestly be driven to murder for how mad they get me… I say no to a magazine, Daddy puts said magazine in the shopping trolly saying ‘don’t tell mummy’, I say no chocolate, sweets, crisps etc before dinner or just in general as she’s already had some, I turn around and what do you know Daddy has let her have some! She’s not come home on time, oh, that’s because Daddy said it was okay to come home an hour later… Honestly, I could murder him ha!

  8. November 9, 2016 / 1:49 pm

    Sounds like you are doing a great job together to me. Parenting is the hardest adventure there is but with 2 caring parents your kids are very lucky!

  9. November 8, 2016 / 10:46 pm

    What is co-parenting? Aren’t both of you parents anyway?

  10. November 8, 2016 / 10:11 pm

    Oh yes! My partner and I have a few disagreements with how we parent our kids. It can be so hard!

  11. November 8, 2016 / 10:03 pm

    Aww I loved this. It must be so hard at times but worth it xx

  12. November 8, 2016 / 7:31 pm

    I’m not a parent yet but I can imagine it being so difficult for everyone involved! xxx

  13. Dannii
    November 8, 2016 / 6:43 pm

    We are still waiting for our little one to arrive (3 days overdue), but my husband and I are very similar, so we agree on most things. But I am sure there are some things we will disagree on.

  14. November 8, 2016 / 6:30 pm

    I am a single parent, but I clash with my older kids about how to bring my 6 year old up lol..

  15. November 8, 2016 / 5:51 pm

    when I was growing up my Mum was definitely the disciplinarian and my Dad always caved, I remember when she sent me to bed with no dinner and then he snuck up stairs with pizza for me, she went mad when she found out! I think it’s nice to have a mixture of parenting styles though but I bet it can be a pain sometimes! xx

  16. November 8, 2016 / 5:51 pm

    Hubby and I don’t agree on everything, but we complement each other.

  17. November 8, 2016 / 5:08 pm

    Haha now this is something you really do hear all the time, there’s that middle ground in regards to what happens with your children but it’s those little things that can wind you up about your other half xo

  18. November 8, 2016 / 4:23 pm

    I don’t have kids and we have enough issues over wht to cook for tea, I can just imagine we would be a nightmare with important choices.

  19. November 8, 2016 / 3:55 pm

    Both my folks have different parenting styles and in the early days it led to arguments. Nowadays they’ve chilled out a bit!

  20. November 8, 2016 / 1:27 pm

    I agree that sometimes it’s the little things that get you. I tend to be stricter and seeing my husband just say yes to whatever I had said no to only to quiet the kids drives me crazy!

  21. November 8, 2016 / 11:58 am

    I so hear this, my hubby often says the only thing we argue about it our son and it is so true.

  22. November 8, 2016 / 11:39 am

    I have a ‘I will fucking kill you in a minute’ look that I use almost daily.
    Daddy is king apparently. GTFO, I clean, I cook, I do everything. Hell I popped him out of my vajayjay!
    I am the less strict of the 2 apart from food. But still, Daddy is the best. I am just the home help or a maid…

  23. November 8, 2016 / 11:31 am

    I don’t have children, but I’m sure I’d be the same if I had to co-parent with someone x

  24. November 8, 2016 / 11:05 am

    It must be quite tough when two parents have such different ideas about how’s best to raise a child x

  25. November 8, 2016 / 7:32 am

    Ha! Loved the title and it’s so true. I couldn’t be without my husband and he’s great with our little one, but sometimes he winds me up.

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