Guys, I’m done.
Today I decided that I was going to be a grown up, chuck out all the clothes I’m desperately trying to get back into and just embrace my current ﬁgure. What is the point in keeping clothes that don’t ﬁt me? If I lose weight, I will buy more clothes that I love. If I don’t? I will have clothes that ﬁt me and make me feel attractive and THAT is half the battle right? Yep. Done. So done.
Until I got to primark and, ignoring my usual size 10/12 I picked up size 16. The size I am now. No ﬂinch, no upset – what even is size anyway? Fuck it. This is the size I am and I don’t care. I don’t want to diet, I love food. I hate salad. Salad was invented by rabbits to take over the world.
I ﬁlled up my bag, declared I was buying a new wardrobe as NOTHING ﬁts me and even less looks good on me. Then I go into the changing room and you know what I discovered? Nothing ﬁtted me still, and the little that did looked AWFUL.
I have no idea how I have gotten back to this space where I have lost all sense of self, all self conﬁdence and I absolutely ABHORE my body shape. I am carrying fat where I’ve never carried fat before, I feel uncomfortable, unhealthy and oh-so-unhappy. I ambled out of the changing room, with my 8 items to swap over for another 8… that also made me look vaguely sausage with ripped skin esque. As I stamped out of the changing room for the third time I declared that I wouldn’t be trying on the rest of my basket – what was the point and COULD IT BE MORE DEMORALISING to KEEP coming out in and out, in and out, in and out and telling the assistant that, no, none of these thanks, I don’t look good in a single fucking one. Cheers for asking, now can I have another eight that make me look like a Sunday roast mated with Michelin man? Ta.
The whole “ohhh go and buy new clothes that ﬁt, don’t be unkind to yourself” thing is a giant lie. I’ve come away feeling less body positive and wondering if I could cancel Disney and use the money for a decent plastic surgeon to sort my shit out and a personal trainer/food bodyguard to make me run from a to b and smack food out of my hand whenever I get too close to it. I feel genuinely upset, and what’s worse is that I KNOW this is something I have done to me, I know it’s something that only I can change. I know that the constant snacking, poor eating choices and excesses portions have caused this. I’m not suffering from a thyroid problem, I’m not diabetic – there are very VERY valid reason that people cannot shift their weight and the body positivity movement is amazing for helping them to understand that their natural shape is beautiful. This isn’t me and it isn’t my natural shape. I’m not being ﬁrm with myself and I don’t exercise, something that isn’t true for everyone who sides into the large categories – lots of these men and women do exercise and are healthy. When I want to justify my behaviour to myself I look at obese people and lean on their body conﬁdence, tell myself if they can rock out in a two piece with midriﬀ showing and feel sexy, why can’t I? Do I care if I shop at asos plus? Well she doesn’t, she’s still conﬁdent and looks awesome to me so yeah, sure I can… body positivity is becoming my excuse for being unhealthy and overweight (to clarify – the two are not synonymous).
Except standing there in that primark changing room, willing myself to be body conﬁdent, I couldn’t. I hate this body now. It’s not foreign to me, it’s a place I swore I would never be again, for my mental health and physical health. It’s a place I told myself 6 years ago I wouldn’t get to and 2 years ago I was a million miles from.
Let me hit you with a few truths:
– You can holler body positivity until you are blue in the face, if it ain’t happening for you, it ain’t happening full stop. You need to ﬁnd something that makes it happen and that may very well be a DIET. It might be bulking up. Fuck, it might be plastic surgery, but whatever it is, for me, it’s not accepting that this is me and rolling with it.
– It’s not about the label sizes. This is true, label sizes don’t mean a thing. Large, small, arbitrary numbers, they mean nothing. What means something is not justifying to yourself that you are unhealthy – be that for whatever reason – with I’m body conﬁdent. Nu-uh. I’m not body conﬁdent anymore. I’m overweight by a country mile and I HATE my body, I feel sad and uncomfortable. No amount of justifying to myself is going to change that changing room saga where I leave feeling down.
– Being unhappy with your body doesn’t mean you need to meditate and ﬁnd your inner conﬁdence, it means you need to change it. Sorry, it’s the truth and one I’ve been denying for a time. It’s not about accepting it, not conforming to society, it’s about saying “hey, I feel sad and like shit, I can’t walk up the stairs without sounding like a sex pest so I need to work on this. I need to ﬁnd MY healthy.”
– Trying to embrace body conﬁdence when you don’t have it will bite you on the bum. Hard. You will suddenly realise that you have no conﬁdence and that no amount of forcing it is going to make it come.
– Following body conﬁdence on social media is lovely… but what is the actual message? Love your body? I know my body is amazing but I’m not keen on its shape. You don’t like your interior you redecorate. So… why not my body now?
My point here is that no matter how hard I try to embrace that I’m larger, that I shouldn’t deny myself whatever I want to ﬁt some arbitrary rule, I can’t do that anymore. I’m getting bigger and bigger the more I’m forcing myself this unacceptable ideal of body conﬁdence and give-a-damn about my weight/size attitude. It’s not me. I give a damn and I’m deeply unhappy with mine.
So I’m changing it.
In the meantime I am also avoiding shopping for new outﬁts because, guess what, I won’t like em anyway because I don’t like my shape and body. As for “we can’t punish ourselves for being larger”… well, it certainly helped me lose 6 stone last time so, yeah, I guess I can.