I think I’m having a crisis.
I don’t want another baby. I had horrible struggles with Edith, there were dark, dark times… times I felt like I was stuck in a vacuole of screaming and breastfeeding, breastfeeding and screaming. Of exhaustion. Of sore nipples. Of missing loving being a mother and missing enjoying my middle child’s last sweet months as a toddler because I had a demanding baby.
And yet.
I don’t think I want another baby. I didn’t really enjoy the last pregnancy. I was tired, I craved fatty foods and I’m pretty confident that is why I still don’t eat well, I still snack and then gorge. I was so achy and I felt like labour lasted for days after I’d given birth, only to be told “well, third baby and all, hurts more and for longer with post labour pains the more you have”. I found that sympathy for my aching hoo-ha, my exhaustion… well it was on the lower levels of non-existent. No one really cared, it was my third baby, I knew the drill, get on with it.
And yet.
I’m pretty sure I don’t want another baby. My kids are feral. I’m pretty confident that people think that this is a joke, but it isn’t. They are genuinely feral – think Mowgli and you are reaching the correct levels… though wolves are probably better at this parenting lark than me. Though I feed them, I clean them and de-nit their hair (something it would appear is quite the task for some school parents…), I kiss them and I try not to scream at them too much… perhaps the wolves and me are on a level. Still, I am not even coming close to winning any parent of the year awards and I struggle. Daily. I struggle to keep my shit together. I struggle to do homework with a baby pulling at a boob, a 4 year old trying to tell me about “what sounds are in the book?” and a 5 year old who keeps asking me to help him out with understanding why FOX is for X when some twat told me it was Xylophone. I suppose I’m holding this shit down slightly better than Biff and Kipper’s mum though.
AND YET.
I’m almost sure I don’t want another baby. I’m still breastfeeding this one. She’s two, her attachment to the breast is still on a level with my attachment to sleep at 3am which, incidentally, is about the same time she decides to express her needs. She still wakes up all the time, rarely sleeps through and uses me as her personal milking station, bouncing from boob to boob for god know what reason. Not to mention the pinching and nipple tweaking or the twisting to get into the right position so she can watch Peppa fucking pig. We managed to avoid that wannabe-hog-roast for 5 years then BOOM, Edith decides to express an interest. The next one could be a fanatic. I can’t cope with that.
ANNNNDDD YET.
They are all growing up. They are all getting so big. They have to be reminded to kiss me at the school gates, yet they are still so soft and snugly in my bed after a bad dream. Their skin still smells so perfect when they lean against me after a long day, but those moments are getting fewer for Reuben, who would rather play upstairs with his toys. The way Toby says his “L” sounds is getting clearer. He actually said it the other day, after bribed him with sweets to let me take a video of him saying “wittle wions wick wemon wollies”. Edith’s started preschool and the house is SO empty without her for those few hours, I might be more productive with work but…
Shit.
I don’t want another baby.
Do I?
I once felt the same….thank the Lord or in fact I just thank anyone that the moment passed!! The light at the end of the tunnel is no longer a train!! It is so hard watching them grow, but trust me as they grow that brings further rewards, like Grandchildren!! I think of my my Grandsons as the prize for not actually sending their Mother to Dr Barnado, or worse!! After all I managed to kill every house plant, yet five children all survived!! On a serious note, I knew after my last one that I was done, that the fruit of my womb had been doomed to be baron from that day!! If your thinking about it…..on that note, keep the posts coming, absolutely fantastic xxx
Harriet I so relate, my children are growing up at a rate so fast I now go out drinking with my eldest almost 22 yet I can’t let go. I have a 22, 20,13snd 7and I’m watching the years go by watching them grow up watching them go further away from wanting my assurance, my safety, my protection. I feel it slipping away. I feel as Eden is getting bigger and as she sits with me on my bed having her stories before bed and our little conversations about how she will always live with me forever choke me inside. Kian now is starting to stay upstairs more watching dads, play mine craft occasionally sits downstairs if needed and then my eldest one moved out one never home, just in for food or clean clothes but I do everything for them all I’m grasping by the last clenched hand I have in hope I can keep them longer xxxx
I only ever wanted three. From being about fourteen I wanted three. Once we’d had one, my husband decided he only wanted two. I wanted three. Amy came along and I was done. Three was my number. I don’t feel broody any more. I miss babies yes but I think you know when you’re done.
x
So relatable and trust me, when you say feral, I get feral. This from the woman whom mothered a son who thinks that using the fireplace as a urinal and pissing under the sofa cushions is acceptable. I’m not talking about a two year old and some decorative cushions either, I’m talking about a five year old who dismantled a sofa for the sole purpose of pissing all over it. I do not want another child. Do I? x x
Bahaha all about the feral!
I’ve just had a beautiful little bundle..day 3 and i found myself thinking of having another…we are yet to leave hospital and my stitches are still sore…..please someone slap me??
Haha *pow* that was me slapping you.
Gosh this is exactly how I’m feeling at the moment, although I do want another baby but I’m a little bit scared as I already have a 3 and a half and 2 year old. So i pretty much get exactly what you’re saying!
Amina xx http://www.AliandHer.com
Ahh thanks Amina xx
Aww! I don’t have any children yet, and I’m not sure that I ever will, but you sound like a wonderful mother. Either way you choose to go will be the right decision 🙂
Xo,
Megan at Lush to Blush
I’m yet to have a child but I told my mum I’d only want one but she says that’ll change once they start growing!
Ahh maybe – you never know!
Oh, mommy blues! So many why’s and if’s especially when you kids are getting bigger and older.
I know Anosa! It’s so hard isn’t it?!
Great post! Oh the joys of motherhood. I have four kids and live abroad. I have struggled with dark times yet seem to cling on to my 2 year old and do not want her to grow up! She is still breast feeding.. following me around and potty trianing but honestly.. i love it lol i think 4 is my lucky number, but you never know! 😉
Ahh thank you lovely!
From what I have heard, so many parents, particularly mothers, struggle with feeling like this! xxx
I think it’s really common!
Sounds like you need a puppy! Lol. It must be hard though. I think it’s tempting to just keep having babies. We’re always so hard on ourselves so am sure your concerns are just the same as many mothers! x
Haha Jodie, I have one!
I only have 2, my husband isn’t keen on another. 2 is a comfortable I suppose. You don’t need a bigger car, extra room etc. I only thought I wanted 2 but now my youngest is 8 months and doing everything so quick I can’t help but think that this isn’t it for us.
Kids hey? What do they do to us.
Haha I hear you Kayleigh!
Funny how all those ‘And yet’s” fade and fuzz at the prospect of another. Good job you’ve written them all down in case you really want to convince yourself you don’t want another! 😉 xx
Haha thanks Cat – you’re quite right!!
I only have two but I feel exactly the same. My youngest is now 18 months and I really can’t cling on to her being a baby any longer. I know we’re done but I still think ‘what if’…
I don’t think you can help it can you? It’s so hard to *not* imagine “what if…”
I would have loved more but alas, my cards were dealt differently. The one thing you need to know is that you’re a fabulous Mum. You’re fun, they adore you and they know that they are loved.
Looking forward to a catch up x
Ahh thank you darling lady yes, a catch up asap!
Love this! This is us but we did have the 4th and life is all kinds of crazy. But it’s also quite cool because people expect you to be rubbish because you know, it’s your 4th…. and you do get sympathy for having a 4th, well it’s either that or they think you’re entirely bonkers. It’s a conversation starter anyway…..so every cloud.
I’m on some kind of epic mission to get everyone, everywhere to have 4 children so we don’t stand out so much! I mean, all the cool kids do it- the Beckhams ?, the Ramsey’s ? and the Oliver’s took it one step further! Join the loons!
Haha I love it.
I am not a cool kid. I’m sticking with 3.
And yet…
Oh I just ADORE this post! I go through a similar battle in my head constantly! x
Thanks Abbie xx
This is me. I have nothing to add to this because it is literally exactly what goes on in my head on a daily basis. Except we homeschool so all of mine are at home all day everyday… having another baby would be an epic disaster… or would it?? Xx
Haha indeed – the “or would it?” is always lurking…