9 things you should know if you’re expecting a boy

Sometimes I find myself so amused with my boys. Honestly, they are hilarious. I will never forget going to a local Chinese restaurant with my work friends when I was pregnant with Reuben and due to start my mat leave, only to find the conversation turning to the girl’s experiences with their little boys. ‘Ha, I never knew how the obsession with a penis started at only a few months old. Honestly Harriet, be warned – as soon as he finds it he will never stop messing with it. It’s an obsession for them… Don’t even get me started on their obsession with weeing.’ Well, I remember Michelle’s advice and I’m pleased to report that this is very much the case!

Man’s best friend might be a dog, but dear god, a boy’s best friend is his penis.

Here are a few things to expect if you are expecting a boy:

  1. Taking a nappy off a newborn boy should be approached with caution. He will almost certainly pee the second the air makes contact with his skin. The best thing to do is the use a wet wipe as a shield, like Captain American did against Ultron.
  2. Sooner than you think you will be making references about stuff you had no clue about before kids – like Marvel, for instance. Whatever it is your boy is into, he will be so into it that you will find yourself sat at the dining room table one Sunday morning asking yourself why you’re not only getting his jabber, but actively debating topics like the quantum realm and it’s part in the defeat of Thanos with an 8 year old.
  3. Constant pulling, groping, flicking, fidgeting, tugging, examining and anything else that involves their hands in this area. This never really ends from what I can see.
  4. Erections happen. In the morning, the middle of the day, the evening and in the dead of night. From birth. They will become a point of amusement for your son sooner than you think! Nothing screams hilarity like a boner.
  5. Proud displays of their erect penis to anyone who crosses their path, complete with giggles and comments like,’ Look Mummy, look how big my todger just got!!’ whilst you hiss “PUT THAT AWAY, IT’S A PRIVATE PLACE.” and they give zero fucks.
  6. No shame. Even when Great Aunt Betsie is trying to indulge in her afternoon tea.
  7. Restaurants, cafes, shops and public areas of all kinds are perfectly acceptable places to indulge in pant removal to catch a bit of freedom to your bbf.
  8. If it’s outdoors, it’s a great place to pee. Who cares if it’s public right?
  9. Crossing streams is hilarious. As is trying to pee on each other, through things, on things… Literally, you’d think your son was Da Vinci and urine was his oil paint. It’s gross.
  10. Water areas signify a place to pee, I’m talking paddling pools, showers, baths, puddles… You get the picture.
  11. Wrestling is a thing. I don’t know why, but it’s a daily thing and it only ends when someone cries.
  12. Everyone tells me that boy’s aren’t sassy but that just hasn’t been the case for us – sass is PRESENT. Sass from Toby is available in buckets, dripping from phrases like “Well, you just said I wasn’t meant to move off my chair, so I guess I can’t pick up the pen and do my homework if you left it over there huh? Huh Mummy?” It is not cool to respond with “oh just fuck off.”
  13. Farting – why? Toby is the king of the fart and will often announce he’s “let it rip” with a gawf and a waft of his hands in your direction.

What else would you add to the list?

Harriet x

7 Comments

  1. Hannah
    October 10, 2019 / 6:32 am

    Love this and can totally relate to some of it!
    My two are still little (3 and nearly 2)but the obsession with things I would have never known about is real. We’ve come out of a Thomas phase and now it’s pirates and scooby doo. Its only 7.30 and I’ve already debated whether the scooby gang could solve a mystery if it was very dark and also if it was a ghost pirate ๐Ÿ˜‚
    Also I never realised that its not just their own penis that is interesting. My 3 year old finds his brother’s fascinating and is already comparing sizes ๐Ÿ˜‚

  2. Elena
    September 8, 2015 / 10:03 am

    I love this post! Haha completely reminds me of my boy, especially number 6.

    • Harriet September 8, 2015 / 10:43 pm

      Thanks for the comment Elena!

  3. Bethany
    September 7, 2015 / 10:06 am

    Once when I took Charlie swimming he announced to everyone in the changing room that he had just done a wee in the shower ๐Ÿ˜ณ

    • Harriet September 8, 2015 / 9:21 am

      Haha Bethany! That is brill, at least he didn’t tell everyone it was you. I’ve had some interesting conversations about my lack of *ahem* appendage in the area, always in public toilets or showers… ohhhh the joys!

  4. Marley Lucas
    September 3, 2015 / 2:21 pm

    Apart from number 1 I have not experienced any of this with my two boys (7 and 2). Boys get such a bad press for being dirty, noisy, rude, badly behaved creatures, they don’t sleep, you can’t potty train them, in fact we are really sorry for anyone that has to deal with these creatures. I really have not found this to be case at all with my two sons. I know it is a bit of fun but the stereotypes really annoy me sometimes sorry.

    • Harriet September 8, 2015 / 9:25 am

      Oh Marley, I’m so sorry you feel that way! As you say, it’s a bit of lighthearted fun, I LOVE all these things about my boys, it makes my day that they are so uninhibited and free-spirited, just like children should be. I don’t think I would ever think of them as ‘dirty’ or ‘rude’ because of it, in fact, that is an incredibly worrying thing to think and I would be really uncertain of any parent who felt that way. I certainly don’t see it as a gender stereotype, more one mother’s experience and a bit of fun to see how other’s have found their boys and their little obsession.

      Thanks for the comment ๐Ÿ™‚

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