Sometimes I find myself so amused with my boys. Honestly, they are hilarious. I will never forget going to a local Chinese restaurant with my work friends when I was pregnant with Reuben and due to start my mat leave, only to find the conversation turning to the girl’s experiences with their little boys. ‘Ha, I never knew how the obsession with a penis started at only a few months old. Honestly Harriet, be warned – as soon as he finds it he will never stop messing with it. It’s an obsession for them… Don’t even get me started on their obsession with weeing.’ Well, I remember Michelle’s advice and I’m pleased to report that this is very much the case!
Man’s best friend might be a dog, but dear god, a boy’s best friend is his penis.
Here are a few things to expect if you are expecting a boy:
- Taking a nappy off a newborn boy should be approached with caution. He will almost certainly pee the second the air makes contact with his skin. The best thing to do is the use a wet wipe as a shield, like Captain American did against Ultron.
- Sooner than you think you will be making references about stuff you had no clue about before kids – like Marvel, for instance. Whatever it is your boy is into, he will be so into it that you will find yourself sat at the dining room table one Sunday morning asking yourself why you’re not only getting his jabber, but actively debating topics like the quantum realm and it’s part in the defeat of Thanos with an 8 year old.
- Constant pulling, groping, flicking, fidgeting, tugging, examining and anything else that involves their hands in this area. This never really ends from what I can see.
- Erections happen. In the morning, the middle of the day, the evening and in the dead of night. From birth. They will become a point of amusement for your son sooner than you think! Nothing screams hilarity like a boner.
- Proud displays of their erect penis to anyone who crosses their path, complete with giggles and comments like,’ Look Mummy, look how big my todger just got!!’ whilst you hiss “PUT THAT AWAY, IT’S A PRIVATE PLACE.” and they give zero fucks.
- No shame. Even when Great Aunt Betsie is trying to indulge in her afternoon tea.
- Restaurants, cafes, shops and public areas of all kinds are perfectly acceptable places to indulge in pant removal to catch a bit of freedom to your bbf.
- If it’s outdoors, it’s a great place to pee. Who cares if it’s public right?
- Crossing streams is hilarious. As is trying to pee on each other, through things, on things… Literally, you’d think your son was Da Vinci and urine was his oil paint. It’s gross.
- Water areas signify a place to pee, I’m talking paddling pools, showers, baths, puddles… You get the picture.
- Wrestling is a thing. I don’t know why, but it’s a daily thing and it only ends when someone cries.
- Everyone tells me that boy’s aren’t sassy but that just hasn’t been the case for us – sass is PRESENT. Sass from Toby is available in buckets, dripping from phrases like “Well, you just said I wasn’t meant to move off my chair, so I guess I can’t pick up the pen and do my homework if you left it over there huh? Huh Mummy?” It is not cool to respond with “oh just fuck off.”
- Farting – why? Toby is the king of the fart and will often announce he’s “let it rip” with a gawf and a waft of his hands in your direction.
What else would you add to the list?